A Lot.

"Who will grieve for this woman? Does she not seem
too insignificant for our concern?
Yet in my heart I never will deny her,
who suffered death because she chose to turn."
-Anna Akhmatova


There are certain things that happen in life that have the potential to humble a person; death, divorce, defeat. Sometimes inevitable parts of living on God’s Grey Earth. For some life is chequered, with these Inevitables sprinkled here and there. For others life in it entirety is one big hustle causing them to tiptoe through life simply to arrive safely at death. Still for others, some very fortunate ones, nothing has impeded their enjoyment of this life. Not too long ago I counted myself a proud part of this fortunate class. *Dusts Membership badge*

I rephrase, I did not count myself a part of the class more like I considered myself an elite and privileged sub-section of the genus Untouchable. There I was a carefree woman, never believing any evil could be audacious enough to approach my dwelling space not because I am God’s favourite child (I didn’t even know this then) but just because in my idealistic, idyllic, sheltered world, bad things just did not happen to Us. I do not know why but they just did not. *Shrugs*

Oh to go back to those days where such assurance was concrete. The older you get, the more life seems determined to remind you that all the world is a stage and we herein are merely its unpaid amateur actors. The script has been written. Now, now ‘I Am The Captain Of My Faith, I Am The Master Of My Soul’ proponents reel in your bulging eyeballs and palpitating hearts, I am not talking about predetermination here. I am not Sibyl; the only wondrous orbs I glare into from time to time have little plastic people inside and fake snow falling when it is overturned. I merely suggest when I say that we are but actors on this great stage of life, that sometimes the control of this life is out of our hands...far beyond the reach of our greedy, yearning phalanges.

How do I know this? I don’t.

I don’t know, I think so though.

I think so because, I plan my life; map out my memories, determine my destination and propose my purpose for the year/5 years/10 years ahead. I make plans based on my hopes, goals AND ability. But as Robert Burns warns us “...The best laid plans of mice and men go oft awry”. King Solomon a.k.a The Sage agrees with cher Monsieur Burns, pithily he tells us “Man proposes and God disposes”. (Prov 16:9 Paraphrased). It seems that the older one gets the less likely the world is willing to indulge the individual. Life’s lessons do not bring you up…they drag you up. Forcefully. As the years pile on themselves in a vicious effort to draw you ever closer to your twilight years, you will find that childlike qualities are very quickly replaced, as a paradigmatic shift in perceptions occur. Your perceptions change and you find your sheltering idealism suddenly snatched away from you like a wig you find yourself holding after a violent breeze blows it off its owner's skull.

For me, after a life of very few hard-knocks and idyllic life that might be surreal to many, I found that the very first slap Life gave me almost took me out of the match; I almost passed the baton to the next runner and abandoned the field of play. First life blow-slapped me with a death. To say it left me reeling is an understatement. There was after all the well established rule that bad things did not happen to me or mine. “I thought you knew this?” I asked God. This was a well recognised law. The universe respected it, the stars didn’t but appreciated it anyway and nature, naturally cooperated. But death visited and snatched a life from me, exalting in its victory. A short lived victory because here I am having lived through my worst nightmare. I stumbled, badly, after Life gave me the first hard-knock but as Tolsoy says, "If I know the way home and I am walking along it drunkenly, is it any less the right way because I am staggering from side to side?" I found my way back home.

In recent times Life has again attempted to blow-slap me into submission. Not to the same degree as before thanks to the God that watches out for me and mine, but still a healthy slap was dealt. I failed an examination. This is humbling for me because it is an entirely new experience. This is deeply embarassing for me because...well it just is. No one likes to fail I guess. *Shrugs*
So the exam for which I studied for two months and this very blog helped document some of the struggles, is the same I failed. I was close to the pass mark, a blessing and a curse, but obviously not close enough. I cried and cried like the broken hearted negro slave on a plantation bound slave-ship I referred to in a previous post. (I’ve always thought that though crying is cathartic, it’s very useless as a relief tool. It has no ability to wipe away the past, it largely serves an indulgent purpose..making me feel better.)

After this epic fail(who knew the term would ever be used in seriousness), I am humbled. As I try to make sense of this, I realise that this failure for me sounds exactly like a reverberating death knell on my joy. I hear the heavy bell ringing as if in mockery of my many successes, so loud that my accomplishments seem a distant dream. And I am awed by how much past failure can limit future success. 3 solid weeks, 21 days, atleast 504 hours and potentially trillions of seconds after receiving my results, I still find myself sad, constantly doubting my intellect, mentally limiting myself, questioning my abilities and warring with my emotions. Some how I have managed to plummet into the proverbial 'Funk' y’all. * That made more sense in my head.*

I read the story of Lot's wife today and it's gone some way in giving me insight that God willing, will drag me out of this 'funk'.

Lot’s wife in the Bible.

Lot’s wife’s suffering in the Bible is a story I never really paid attention before. BUT this is an amazing analogy of human beings & life today. (The Bible has done it again!). Lot’s wife had been told to leave her city with her family because it would be destroyed by God. “Don’t look back!!!” Lot warned and warned according to God’s directions. But as Lady Lot ran out of her city, she cast one last look back at her city.

In sadness, seeing her city full of her friends perish? In wonder, at what God rescued and saved her from? In happiness, at her ‘haters’ eventual downfall and total destruction? In fear and worry, as she witnessed all that she had worked so hard for go up in hellish flames? Whatever the case, Madame no look road she stay dey look back. Lady Lot wouldn’t focus on the road in front, instead she looked back and received her punishment. Not just for disobeying God but for two other reasons, I suspect.

For one thing, Lady Lot did not trust God and His promises enough to let go of her past. Secondly, by turning around to take inventory of what was behind her, she inevitably slowed herself down. She hampered her progress by those few minutes or even seconds that she stood staring at all that she HAD rather than looking forward at all that she would HAVE if she trusted her Maker.

Lady Lot turned into a pillar of salt. An immovable block of salt is actually the paragon of stagnation. If I was Aunty Nkem of ‘Tales By Moonlight’ fame, I would tell you that the moral of the story is that her past had held her so captive that she could not move forward to face the future. A free, unlimited, unmarked, potential-filled future by the way. Maybe she should have been considering the future with anticipation of another chance? Perhaps with thanksgiving to God for remembering The little Lots in their tiny Sodom home? Or maybe standing in awe of God’s mighty power in saving herself AND her family.

I realise that in many ways I have been Mrs. Lot. Standing mobile crying over the lot I have lost. Shame really, when my best is yet to come.