Looking For Trouble...With A Torchlight

“There is fire on the mountain and nobody seems to be on the run.
There is fire on the mountain top….and no one is a’ running.
One day the river will overflow and there'll be nowhere
for us to go and we will run, run...
wishing we had put out the fire...”

-Asa’s Fire On The Mountain

If you know me, you know I have no qualms in spending the larger portion of my day roaming the world wide web in search of tomfoolery and brain-touch inducing activity. It was on one of my merry virtual reality strolls, just this morning, that I came across the madness and mayhem that has swept through the city of Jos.

Now I’m not one for bandwagon climbing, I hate squashed sitting….squeezes my well-rounded hips (DON’T JEALOUS ME!!) for one thing. But today, I had to kindly ask someone to ‘dress’ for me as I joined the bandwagon of Nigerians discussing The Jos Crisis…yes, I even adopted the fancy name too….I’m an all or nothing kind of girl.

Before your eyes glaze over with Heard It All Before Special Glaze & Ointment, I will tell you that I don’t know the specific details; neither the economic nor religious basis, for this particular crisis. Or indeed any other that has occurred in Jos in recent times so I’m not about to wax lyrical on the joys of Islam over Christianity (or vice versa). Or how the killings are probably more a reflection of economic frustration thinly veiled by a veneer of religion culminating in battles for the Good Lawds sake. But as I said, I know nothing about the madness in Jos. *ahem*. Honestly, I have no in-depth analysis of the situation, I’ve only visited Jos once and I have no friends from Plateau state(…can you believe that Loyola students?!?!).

BUT, the reason for this article is that as I continue to hear of the Jos riots, then the loss of property in Jos, then the killing of some people in Jos, THEN the slaying of children and young mothers in what appears to be mass numbers (hell, even one child is one too many!), I -like many other Nigerians- sit and think, “That kind of sucks you know. Well, its not reaaaaally MY problem like that sha. I mean the government should handle it” etc.


Today that thought was quickly followed by two others. For one thing, it’s started in Jos but there is every chance of the mayhem spreading if it is not contained…just like militant activity spread from Rivers state to the surrounding states, I believe its only a matter of time before the madness spreads like a bushfire. Yes, a bushfire. Lol. So who knows if I will be able to say “Its not really MY problem like that sha…” by this time next year?


Secondly if the drama, indeed the Mexican soap opera one might be tempted to call The Rich Also Cry, that has been playing in Aso Rock recently is to be believed, the presidents (all 3 of them) don’t have time for Jos. Between the Tom and Jerryism of the ailing and hearty, the deployment of hoards of (apparently jobless) soldiers on one of YOUR president’s return to guard him from what I can only assume is a fear of someone shooting him with the vaccine for mortality, and two full houses of working senators and government officials who from all indications believe that ruling is best done by mass pepper-souping, big-stouting and skirt-chasing, Jos will not be saved by politricks.

If Jos is to be helped, it’s up to us; ordinary people with a sympathy for suffering human beings…and an understanding that actions yell louder than words ever could.

So while we cant all go a-volunteering in Jos…hell, I thought about volunteering for all of 5 minutes, after all I happily considered going to Haiti to help (partly due to the sunshine and heat. Don’t judge me until you’ve witnessed the weave-scattering breeze of the English isles). My volunteering dreams were cut off sharply by the honest admission to myself that I’d much rather die by the earth splitting …than by an Aboki’s swiftly approaching machete. YES, I am your regular garden-variety coward.

Now as a mini-amazon myself *cough* you might be forgiven for grabbing pistons and catapults in the belief that this is some form of call to arms for all Nigerian youth, especially in the diaspora. It is not. (Odiri put down your curling tong…..No, Andie that mascara stick is not the one). Yeah, so its not. This is more to ask for suggestions on ways we can help.





Homies, bestoes, hypothec niggas, children of God, what can we do to help?? I am so sure there must be something that we can do. I thought about donating to the Red Cross for instance? I know, I know it might be a tad late with the number of people already dead but surely if they have even one child in need of treatment whose healing we can contribute to, it might be worth it. We can work individually or as a team…basically I just need suggestions on what I can do to help but I can’t be bothered to ask you all individually….only have 650 free minutes etc.

And a “Let’s just pray for them” won’t do. Sorry.

You See The Problem Is...

Ok, I have no reason to be blogging at this crucial moment between criminal litigation and tax exams(the fun does NOT stop around these here parts, itoldya!)....BUT, I honestly believe it is my civic duty to disseminate useless information to the plebeians. You might say it's a calling, in fact.

I slack, I slack, I slack but today, yes kneegroes & gentlefolk, today I have found the holy grail that will bring forgiveness for my slacking, renewed confidence in my abilities and joyful smiles all round as angels snap their fingers, diva-like, in beat with this lady-man's tempo.

With many chuckles and genuine fascination, I introduce;

Ask Eefy.



The level to which the English language is slayed in this short clip is frankly, unprecedented.

Solid advice though.Lol.

I heard...

"My dad told me " When you are in a relationship with a woman you know is too good for you...Marry.Her".

-Ashton Kutcher's character in Valentine's Day.

Favourite Things....Valentine Edition...

SONNET XVII

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

-Pablo Neruda

Our forefathers say...

"Na small sh*t dey stain pint*.."


-Warri proverbs from Warri No Dey Carry Last

*[pant]

I heard...

Grace: "How hot is the new cook?"
Will (looking pained): "He is so hot he doesn't even need to put the cookies in the oven, he just walks past them and winks."

Another stellar line from Will & Grace

"Things Fall Apart, The Centre Can Not Hold..."

*Tear


So, I think we all agree that the problem with Nigeria is a serious touching of some faulty wires in the brains of the general populace.

Amongst Nigerians, you get the uncomfortable feeling that half the inhabitants of the Pride of Africa must score disturbingly high on the “10 Ready Steps To Prove You Are INDEED An Onye-ara*”. The other half are animals cleverly disguised as humans and sent by the Council of Titled Elders of the Forest to spy on nature’s greatest enemy, man.

I am a zebra.

*ahem*

Friends, homies and countrymen, Nigerians stay falling our own hand! We do not need any colonial masters or natural disasters, no! no! NO! On our own we are exceedingly and abundantly, far more than able to litter our garri with pyramid portions of sand. Yes indeed fellow Nigerians, we, we, WE are the ones that stay pouring sand in our garri.

“How?” I see you turn to your neighbour on the left and right, like you are in a Pentecostal church ‘helping pastor preach’, and ask “HOW?!”

Well, I humbly submit that it is the small things that we Nigerians do, not just to foreigners, but to ourselves that show a strong desire to take four solid steps back for every baby step forward.In a typical discussion about the state of Africa by African-college-students-in-the-diaspora, a Togolese friend once ended the recurring statement "The problem with Africa is...." with the words, "....the ‘Crab In Bucket’ syndrome". I believe this analogy is also an appropriate ending to the "The problem with Nigeria is....?" question.

The Crab In Bucket analogy is a popular one. It simply refers to an envious mentality that propels the envying party to pull down others in their quest to achieve what Mr Crab the Envious has not. Such thinking is endemic in the Nigerian society. In practice, Mr Abe Crab at the bottom of the barrel would rather die fighting a chubby lion than see Mr Bibi Crab leave the barrel alive....best we all die together than work together to find a way out of this mess....or heaven forbid, one person escape to call for help.

Why? Why though? If you have been unable to progress then biko dress make another person pass dey go!...*ahem* In English, please give way for someone else to make it even if you haven’t. No one thinks, “Maybe the crab who gets out of the barrel can stretch a claw for another one of us Insider Crabs to hold on to and maybe get pulled out of this place?” Nope, no such thinking in my country. In Nigeria all the other crabs in the barrel hold onto the rescuing claw....solely with the intention of pulling Free Crab back into the abyss of the stinking barrel.

It is this mentality on which my boarding school’s informal motto was founded. The oft chanted mantra “Every man for himself and God for us all” taught us 10 year olds, to get ahead by any means necessary. It also helped the effective channelling of our inner fraudster; “Yes new teacher, that’s spelt B-E-Y-O-N-C-E Knolwes”....ah, there were many hip-hop stars missing from the detention room when punishment time came. Oh wicked generation!....

Lol.

NOW, I hear you ask your pente-rascal neighbour, “How realistic is this crab scenario she paints?” Very real I tell you. From the smallest and most useless times to the vital choices, the ‘Crab Barrel’ mentality is obvious. The most fascinating situaion I think, is the undiluted envy that pollutes the comment section on blogs. The busy city streets of cyber space are already heavily littered with what Sarah Palin tells Oprah are "...the haters" (Please withdraw your application as I have already applied to the United Negro Association for Annoying Hip hop Oriented Slangs (UNAAHOS), for the immediate abolition of that word).
Blogs are already recognised as the designated war zone of cyber space. The heat is fiercest on Nigerian blogs, here the unequipped in real life always arrive fully garbed in militia gear; ak-47s, tankers, cannons and grenades ready to Mutallab any and every unsuspecting blog post.

Especially wedding posts.

And it goes something like this:
Comment one on article on Nigerian wedding;

“Beautiful decor, I wish the couple a lifetime of happiness, many children and the choicest of blessings from King Jesus.”

(...As if Commenter One knows what is coming after her and feels the need to cover the couple with goodness and felicitations before The Others arrive).

Sure as a lack of electricity on a hot Lagos weekday ending with the letters ‘D-A-Y’, Commenter Two arrives with a random as allllllll hell comment like so;

“The bride is ok. Her eyes are far apart though.”

And like a vulture to impending doom, Commenter Two will descend, destroy and disappear....
...as Midgets, dwarfs and crying doves alike pause and wonder “What does that comment have to do with the (recession-defying) price of bread?”*

Finally I ask you, how can Nigeria progress if her people are deathly allergic to the idea of unity? More contentment…more peace…less envy…better 9j, abi no be so?

And since no discussion on Nigeria is complete in these days of political instability and economic turmoil in Nigeria without a mention of The Two Presidents, I will put my two cents in the fountain. Yes oh! Apparently instability and turmoil just started in the last 75 days with our other presido’s absence…this suffering is all new! But fear not for with Jonathan’s arrival manna and quails mistaken for flying eaglets will fall from the sky in provision for God’s own people...

Nigerians of course.



Now, my two cents; so no one could organise a Skype account for Mr Yar’adua?!?!

Im sure there were compelling reasons (read; a dead man's inability to speak). BUT, If I am indeed wrong then Skype would have been an easy and effective way to silence the crying multitude. But no!...After all, if its simple and honest it is apparently not Nigerian.





ANNOUNCEMENT FROM BROADCASTING NETWORK!!!

Today’s message is heavily spiced with disillusionment. Regular broadcasts will be back shortly. Please change channels if your tastebuds are offended.


*Onye-ara = Mad person.