You See The Problem Is...

Ok, I have no reason to be blogging at this crucial moment between criminal litigation and tax exams(the fun does NOT stop around these here parts, itoldya!)....BUT, I honestly believe it is my civic duty to disseminate useless information to the plebeians. You might say it's a calling, in fact.

I slack, I slack, I slack but today, yes kneegroes & gentlefolk, today I have found the holy grail that will bring forgiveness for my slacking, renewed confidence in my abilities and joyful smiles all round as angels snap their fingers, diva-like, in beat with this lady-man's tempo.

With many chuckles and genuine fascination, I introduce;

Ask Eefy.



The level to which the English language is slayed in this short clip is frankly, unprecedented.

Solid advice though.Lol.

I heard...

"My dad told me " When you are in a relationship with a woman you know is too good for you...Marry.Her".

-Ashton Kutcher's character in Valentine's Day.

Favourite Things....Valentine Edition...

SONNET XVII

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

-Pablo Neruda

Our forefathers say...

"Na small sh*t dey stain pint*.."


-Warri proverbs from Warri No Dey Carry Last

*[pant]

I heard...

Grace: "How hot is the new cook?"
Will (looking pained): "He is so hot he doesn't even need to put the cookies in the oven, he just walks past them and winks."

Another stellar line from Will & Grace

"Things Fall Apart, The Centre Can Not Hold..."

*Tear


So, I think we all agree that the problem with Nigeria is a serious touching of some faulty wires in the brains of the general populace.

Amongst Nigerians, you get the uncomfortable feeling that half the inhabitants of the Pride of Africa must score disturbingly high on the “10 Ready Steps To Prove You Are INDEED An Onye-ara*”. The other half are animals cleverly disguised as humans and sent by the Council of Titled Elders of the Forest to spy on nature’s greatest enemy, man.

I am a zebra.

*ahem*

Friends, homies and countrymen, Nigerians stay falling our own hand! We do not need any colonial masters or natural disasters, no! no! NO! On our own we are exceedingly and abundantly, far more than able to litter our garri with pyramid portions of sand. Yes indeed fellow Nigerians, we, we, WE are the ones that stay pouring sand in our garri.

“How?” I see you turn to your neighbour on the left and right, like you are in a Pentecostal church ‘helping pastor preach’, and ask “HOW?!”

Well, I humbly submit that it is the small things that we Nigerians do, not just to foreigners, but to ourselves that show a strong desire to take four solid steps back for every baby step forward.In a typical discussion about the state of Africa by African-college-students-in-the-diaspora, a Togolese friend once ended the recurring statement "The problem with Africa is...." with the words, "....the ‘Crab In Bucket’ syndrome". I believe this analogy is also an appropriate ending to the "The problem with Nigeria is....?" question.

The Crab In Bucket analogy is a popular one. It simply refers to an envious mentality that propels the envying party to pull down others in their quest to achieve what Mr Crab the Envious has not. Such thinking is endemic in the Nigerian society. In practice, Mr Abe Crab at the bottom of the barrel would rather die fighting a chubby lion than see Mr Bibi Crab leave the barrel alive....best we all die together than work together to find a way out of this mess....or heaven forbid, one person escape to call for help.

Why? Why though? If you have been unable to progress then biko dress make another person pass dey go!...*ahem* In English, please give way for someone else to make it even if you haven’t. No one thinks, “Maybe the crab who gets out of the barrel can stretch a claw for another one of us Insider Crabs to hold on to and maybe get pulled out of this place?” Nope, no such thinking in my country. In Nigeria all the other crabs in the barrel hold onto the rescuing claw....solely with the intention of pulling Free Crab back into the abyss of the stinking barrel.

It is this mentality on which my boarding school’s informal motto was founded. The oft chanted mantra “Every man for himself and God for us all” taught us 10 year olds, to get ahead by any means necessary. It also helped the effective channelling of our inner fraudster; “Yes new teacher, that’s spelt B-E-Y-O-N-C-E Knolwes”....ah, there were many hip-hop stars missing from the detention room when punishment time came. Oh wicked generation!....

Lol.

NOW, I hear you ask your pente-rascal neighbour, “How realistic is this crab scenario she paints?” Very real I tell you. From the smallest and most useless times to the vital choices, the ‘Crab Barrel’ mentality is obvious. The most fascinating situaion I think, is the undiluted envy that pollutes the comment section on blogs. The busy city streets of cyber space are already heavily littered with what Sarah Palin tells Oprah are "...the haters" (Please withdraw your application as I have already applied to the United Negro Association for Annoying Hip hop Oriented Slangs (UNAAHOS), for the immediate abolition of that word).
Blogs are already recognised as the designated war zone of cyber space. The heat is fiercest on Nigerian blogs, here the unequipped in real life always arrive fully garbed in militia gear; ak-47s, tankers, cannons and grenades ready to Mutallab any and every unsuspecting blog post.

Especially wedding posts.

And it goes something like this:
Comment one on article on Nigerian wedding;

“Beautiful decor, I wish the couple a lifetime of happiness, many children and the choicest of blessings from King Jesus.”

(...As if Commenter One knows what is coming after her and feels the need to cover the couple with goodness and felicitations before The Others arrive).

Sure as a lack of electricity on a hot Lagos weekday ending with the letters ‘D-A-Y’, Commenter Two arrives with a random as allllllll hell comment like so;

“The bride is ok. Her eyes are far apart though.”

And like a vulture to impending doom, Commenter Two will descend, destroy and disappear....
...as Midgets, dwarfs and crying doves alike pause and wonder “What does that comment have to do with the (recession-defying) price of bread?”*

Finally I ask you, how can Nigeria progress if her people are deathly allergic to the idea of unity? More contentment…more peace…less envy…better 9j, abi no be so?

And since no discussion on Nigeria is complete in these days of political instability and economic turmoil in Nigeria without a mention of The Two Presidents, I will put my two cents in the fountain. Yes oh! Apparently instability and turmoil just started in the last 75 days with our other presido’s absence…this suffering is all new! But fear not for with Jonathan’s arrival manna and quails mistaken for flying eaglets will fall from the sky in provision for God’s own people...

Nigerians of course.



Now, my two cents; so no one could organise a Skype account for Mr Yar’adua?!?!

Im sure there were compelling reasons (read; a dead man's inability to speak). BUT, If I am indeed wrong then Skype would have been an easy and effective way to silence the crying multitude. But no!...After all, if its simple and honest it is apparently not Nigerian.





ANNOUNCEMENT FROM BROADCASTING NETWORK!!!

Today’s message is heavily spiced with disillusionment. Regular broadcasts will be back shortly. Please change channels if your tastebuds are offended.


*Onye-ara = Mad person.