Saturday, July 25, 2009

Fin.


I cant believe I am about to leave Berkeley. *insert sad face here*....Almost exactly a year ago, I left the rainy shores of Londres for sunny California...to fully manage and damage Da Wesssss' Coasssst!lol!....Sorting through my stuff, I found the very first email I wrote to my friends when I got here....and I had to smile....Who would have thought I'd have such an AMAZING year?!?!?!?!...


"Hello

Got this idea from Miss S**** to send a message en masse as opposed to sending indivdual text messages which I cant really do now because not only do I have a life(I keed, I keeeeeed) but also it would cost me too much and frankly I wouldnt be able to say everything I wanted to.


So first of all, I MISS YOU TERRIBLY!!! true talk.please ring me.5********7.I HAVE A BLACKBERY now so I need all your blackberry pins so we can chat. Or I need u all to go get blackberrys!


Now on to the last gruelling weeks details. So, I arrived in Washington on Saturday afternoon, after an eventful last night at Los Locos...thanks again you guys;-)...was in Washington till tuesday, got my plane to San Fran....it took abt 8 hours!!! People, can I just warn u that Americans are possessed!?!! Please cheap tickets or not, DO NOT USE U.S AIRLINES. Not only were the flight attendants aged...no seriously I mean museum type ancient but you also had to buy the (crappy) airline food!!!! 8hours of torture.

Anyways, so I landed at the airport hoping my friend in Stanford E** would come get me as promised...she was no where to be found....finally got in touch wih her. she was just waking up from sleep!!! PANIC! Ok, this is San Francisco, the modern day Sodom and Gomorrah, literally. Apparently it has a 60% gay count. While I didnt bump into any flamboyantly dressed yet coquettish drag queens, I was still very afraid. Anyway, so E** sent her friend to come get me instead. Granted I was angry but I was just relieved to be getting home. finally.


So, drove to berkeley which is about 40 mins from San Fran and is a city of its own, got to my apartment, opened the door...sighing with relief, twiched the light switch and alas, people of God, THERE WAS NO ELECTRICITY! Yes, dear friends, this was an "UP NEPA" moment. But one i didnt need. As if that wasnt enough, my apartment was absolutely empty! Not a stitch of furniure to be found anywhere!I almost died.


Seeing the depression on my face, E**'s friend offered to drive me to E**'s place in Stanford....turns out this city is beyond massive. It took us 1.45 to get there. Without traffic.

Next day spent the day shopping for my furniture...used a taxi back to my place from stanford. Had to endure the taxi driver's complaints about how loading furniture is not his job etc. Apparently, he only did it because im his African sister. Right.

Oh and did i mention that I live about ten minutes walk from a ghetto. Oh yes, a real G-Unit style-rap-about-me-ghetto. I mean between the MamaJo's soul food restaurant, the du-ragg'd out knee-groes and the old man in fela-style pants ambling to his balcony to 'holla at his niggahs' literally, my taxi driver kindly infomed me that the area looked like a place where drive-by shootings where common place. Suffice to say i wasnt impressed by that observation.
Anyways, in all of this I still have no electricity and have had to sleep with candles all over my room...romantic, if not for the slightly Olumba-shrine like feel of it.

Orientation was today and my ENTIRE year is full of the aged ones....the impressively c.v'd, terribly bright but still aged. Wow...looks like i might just be the class dunce then.joy.

Anyways, thats my little rant. I still have no electricity...Until tomorrow evening. they're shooing us out of the library now. Please ring me!"


Turns out I didnt infact have electricity for 5 whole days....(Tod world in the Fost world....or 3rd world in the 1st world, if you like). AND the allegedly aged and impressively cv'd turned out to be some of my best.friends.ever....dont judge a book & all that goodness.

Next time I write,I will be over the BAR.Literally.Meditate on that sweetness.  

But for now...Bye Bye Berkeley; a place where the freedom to question, to express and to.just.be, is neither mocked nor revered but respected as a fundamental human right. And, apparently, where a grown-ass man may freely stroll about in a corset with nary an eyelid being batted in his direction. Vive liberté!

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Failure Stopped Being An Option In The Nursery.

Its seriously looking like everyone has given up on passing this exam and its weighing my spirit down*insert sad face here*....if i hear one more person casually talk about retaking this bloody exam in February, I WILL indeed take it to a "hold my earrings moment." I have said it before and I will reiterate, I WILL only do this exam once. And I will pass. By God's grace.

Today I feel like;

 1 I cry out to God; yes, I shout.
      Oh, that God would listen to me!
    2 When I was in deep trouble,
      I searched for the Lord.
   All night long I prayed, with hands lifted toward heaven,
      but my soul was not comforted.
    3 I think of God, and I moan,
      overwhelmed with longing for his help.Interlude

    4 You don’t let me sleep.
      I am too distressed even to pray!
    5 I think of the good old days,
      long since ended,
    6 when my nights were filled with joyful songs.
      I search my soul and ponder the difference now.
    7 Has the Lord rejected me forever?
      Will he never again be kind to me?
    8 Is his unfailing love gone forever?
      Have his promises permanently failed?
    9 Has God forgotten to be gracious?
      Has he slammed the door on his compassion?Interlude

   10 And I said, “This is my fate;
      the Most High has turned his hand against me.”
   11 But then I recall all you have done, O Lord;
      I remember your wonderful deeds of long ago.
   12 They are constantly in my thoughts.
      I cannot stop thinking about your mighty works.

   13 O God, your ways are holy.
      Is there any god as mighty as you?
   14 You are the God of great wonders!
      You demonstrate your awesome power among the nations.
   15 By your strong arm, you redeemed your people,
      the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.Interlude

   16 When the Red Sea[a] saw you, O God,
      its waters looked and trembled!
      The sea quaked to its very depths.
   17 The clouds poured down rain;
      the thunder rumbled in the sky.
      Your arrows of lightning flashed.
   18 Your thunder roared from the whirlwind;
      the lightning lit up the world!
      The earth trembled and shook.
   19 Your road led through the sea,
      your pathway through the mighty waters—
      a pathway no one knew was there!
   20 You led your people along that road like a flock of sheep,
      with Moses and Aaron as their shepherds.

I know God, of whom shall I be afraid. A mere exam?

"Not I" said the cat.

I heard.....HD Edition

*Siiiiiggggh* You can take the boy out of Udi Agwu Local Government Area...but you can't take that Udi Agwu swag away from Mr Chidi Mokeme..... Shame really..... ;-)

Saturday, July 18, 2009

One Night In Oakland.


Gademm!!!! The soul is weak and the brain is tired oh!!! For the last few weeks I have been forcing my brain to cram page after page of mind-numbingly boring information...after so many years of minimum activity, its almost painful to have to actively utilise my brain cells to maximum capacity....and I can tell my brain does not appreciate the effort, I can just visualise the NASTY(or nEsty, if you’re P-Square) looks it must be giving me as it stares accusingly in a state of shock at receiving all this boringness, it must be thinking; “O girl take style calm your blood oh! Wetin be this one now?!?! After 22 years of pushing all sorts of sweet gist and laughter inside here na now you want make i begin dey memorise this kind nonsense as if I no get better thing to do! Stop am oh because if to say I come vex like this hhhmmmm you no go like am.....*pulls imaginary ear like a Nigerian mother*” Oh, if our parts could speak. 


Seriously, my brain is  saving more information than it has EVER had to and its reflecting in the way I reason. Yesterday I met up with some of my best girlfriends (and if hip hop is to be believed, Ma Dawgz.... BET must be cut from my diet STAT) one of them was talking about a club that had to close in NYC because a bouncer mistakenly killed a man in the process of separating a fight the man was involved in.  And  in the midst of all the OMG’s and gasps, all I could think was, “What kind of homicide would that be??1st degree?2nd? Aggravated?Manslaughter?....In Multi-state? And in New York??!!...then become secretly panicked when I wasn’t sure of the answer. Its disgusting, I swear I used to be cool. No, really. Lawyers are liars. 


Today I didn’t get any real work done, the reason is two fold. 1. My mind is tahhhd!!! Oooo child, mama tiiiired!! Secondly *whispers shamefaced* I went out yesterday. Yes. Audacious and true, but I studied until the very last moment & I finised Contracts yesterday so a celebration was in order me thinks *tries to fight her guilt* Anyways, I went to celebrate one of my best mates last night in Cali...and all sort of foolery commenced because...(you guessed it), we went out in Oakland....yes, I myself do wonder from time to time, “Am I a masochist?!”


Before now, I have only once gone a-partying in Oakland....intense self-preservation and a general aberrance of hoodrat hoetivity keeps me away from that area after the clock's gentle fingers tenderly stroke the hour of 6p.m. Partying is strictly restricted to San Francisco...where I know the craziest people aren’t really checking for me like that...now if I were say, a young metrosexual man, the chances may be higher....Seriously, what other city do you see a ‘Suitable Suitor’ (as my bff calls men of the appealing variety) and immediately assess the following; 1. Who did he come with? 2.Are his friends wearing v-necks? 3. If yes to 2, are said v-necks of the tight, body-hugging variety? 4. Are said friends holding hands...or moving with a distinctly feminine gait?....Yup! Ooooh hell!!


Anyway, it was for such a purpose, i.e dancing our worries away, that Friday evening found us in Oakland around the witchly hour of midnight....we arrived in LBD’s that comfortably balanced class with style and a little sprinkling of Diva Dust...shameless self-promotion.....mais c’est vrai.  In other words we looked distinctly out of place in a small Oakland club reminiscent of a 'mama-put-joint-conveniently-converted-to-a-club (where stale Star beer, Guinness, fresh palm wine, and you suspect Nkwo-bi, will be plentiful).  So in we strolled, stared around....and proceeded to clutch our pearls and purses simultaneously as we accessed the caliber of people. Using the strict standards taught to us at the Elite Club Of Advanced Snobs a.k.a On Mama's Lap. It was a disappointing array of all that is wrong with the world....seriously, there were men without teeth there. Make of that what you will. (I should qualify that 'without teeth' extends to those missing a substantial number of incisors as well as those the jury finds guilty of the dreaded ‘aluminum foil masquerading as grillz’ foolishness. All toothless negroes to me.*shrugs* ).


Regardless of the fact that the ‘club’ looked like a cross between said Nkwo-bi joint & native doctor shrine; with its faded red curtains and corresponding green and red light bulbs, we decided that as we had arrived past midnight due to watches set to the internationally criticised CPT (Coloured Peoples Time; +2 to +4 hours depending on the Noirs in question....Nigerians are honourably categorised in the +4 to +6 hr category due to our ‘Effizy’ and love for excess, which were all in evidence last night), we decided that we might as well stay. The fact that the drive from Stanford(from whence my friends started their missionary journey) to Oakland is at least an hour (all in the name of dancing!) also meant that our designated driver wasn’t set on driving anywhere soon especially not with the current recession-defying gas prices!


So after sizing up the crowd as a mix of fun-lovers, hoodrats and people whose where-abouts the United States Immigration Department would dearly love to be informed of, we decided to throw caution to the wind in a ‘life gives you lemons, you best gets to squeezing...and shaking....& skanky-legging’ move and we headed to the dance floor.


So into the sweaty, rather smelly crowd we went...I did say that this ‘club’ was the size of a maggi cube right? And everyone and their play cousin had come to squeeze, shake & skanky-leg. Well, not 10 minutes after we had perched our purses on the nearest table and begun to dance, a sudden scrambling began, raised voices were heard, anxiety was sensed as we spotted a lady, poised in an Amazonian stance, bottle raised atop her head as she prepared to go for the jugular of her worthy opponent. 


Ok that was an exaggeration.


 Two women...or two cliques, it wasn’t really clear, were about to tear weaves and fake lashes from each other with fake nails. WE weren't interested in getting a bit of acrylic in our eye or some gel on our dresses... we didnt even wait to understand what was going on, once people started shouting, all Reps of the E.C.A.S picked race....the next few seconds found us outside with mean mugs, once again clutching to pearls, purses & each others phallanges, promising God that if he rescued us from any ghetto crimes(The term Ghetto Crimes refers to crimes involving gel & bad weaves, acrylic nails longer than 4 inches, stabbings with broken bottles....you see where I'm going...), we would never again be found on the grimy streets of Oakland when resident GoodGirls were in bed.


Well as the story goes, the party quickly continued as if nothing happened...prompting the suspicion that this is the standard for Oakland parties...???....I bet if there was no fight people would have gone home like “Man that party was wack!! Not ONE broken bottle?Niggas came in and left WHOLE, NO injury, NO ambulance...NOTHING?!I mean WTF?!?!” Anyways, soon we were left with other chickens outside looking around a-scared. Upon realising our chicken was showing, we channeled our inner Gangsta and headed back into the club on a ‘Nothing Do Us’  deez.....with hearts secretly beating fast.


Lets just say the rest of the night just got more entertaining, I have not seen so many toothless men, swaggerless gremlins, grilled out fellows or indeed midgets in one place at one time. The d.j was obviously stuck somewhere in the early 2000’s with his selection of African music, and his interruptions with “BAD-DAY shout outs to the celebrants....” ....and the last number of the night which he announced to be ‘BAD-DAY SESSSS’ ('Birthday Sex' to English speakers) had us side-eyeing this negro like it was HIS bad-day, all night. Add this to the fact that one particular midget negro almost killed us with laughter and you see it was a rather 'interesting' night.


After approaching us in his body-hugging black shirt that would make Herve Ledger rather jealous, stylishly matched with free flowing white HIPSTERS....*pause* and getting promptly Nexted!, this hombre proceeded to strike a pose and watch us dance for the remainder of the evening. Upon being recognised for the swaggerless being that he is and promptly ignored, hombre looks at us like “WAIT, YOU DONT KNOW WHO YOU’RE DEALING WITH...I WILL SHOW YOU!!!”...Now we are all slightly curious and wary as he slipped his hand into his pocket....and pulls out the DARKEST sunshades known to mankind! After that grand gesture, he puts on the glasses, poses, then slowly turns and looks at us....and I can actually hear him ask us one question in his mind.....“Who’s Bad?” I.Almost.Died.





Thursday, July 16, 2009

Oga Pota!


Harry Potter & The Half Blood Prince started playing at the cinema opposite my house yesterday, the sadness as I walked past, unable to enter guiltfree, was almost unbearable. Worried friends and busybodies alike have suggested that I perhaps should be a little more ashamed of my HP obsession...I have read the books over 100 times....(thats not really saying much seeing as there are 7 of them*shrugs*)...But like the crazy woman who sits at the corner of Bancroft & Shattuck streets in Berkeley, laughing to herself, playing with a yo-yo, sometimes merrily singing, other times bleating like a mature Billy goat (I know!Like WTH??!?), I stand unashamed *raises chin to sky*. 

I found Harry, Ron & 'em abandoned in a Regis House bathroom around my 12th birthday. We've been fast friends ever since. I bonded with them very well because...well, if you have ever been to a boarding school where the school cooks appear to be in constant competition to determine who will kill the students first, lets just say a book that shows your fondest wish in printed form is one that is cherished and reread for years to come. Your fondest wish of course being the ability to talk to your plate at meal times and have the grub of your dreams materialise before your bulging eyeballs.... Add to this a school where 2 mischievous and swagger-full twins elevate themselves to the state of Living Legends by executing a flawless revolt; gloriously rebelling against all the teachers, taking their carefully orchestrated revenge on their worst teacher AND THEN blasting off, away from the school on flying broomsticks to the cheers and eternal adoration of the other students.....and you have every boarding school's students fantasy.

So thats where my love of JK Rowling's amazing imagination comes from. Can you just imagine my joy when my [sightly deranged] friend Batty Katty sent me Rowling's speech at Harvard's commemoration service?! This woman is legend, witch or otherwise....(and if they are handing out talent in the coven then maybe more people should think about witchcraft and wizadry as a profession....yes, Ms Kardashian III, until you tell us what it is that you do, I'm talking to you).

So in light of my adoration of JK, my inability to watch the Potter movie & the fact that tis the season for the defying of statistics & stereotypes, so many people I know are graduating, a valedictorty speech in honour of our achievements!  

J K Rowling- Commencement Speech

President Faust, members of the Harvard Corporation and the Board of Overseers, members of the faculty, proud parents, and, above all, graduates.

The first thing I would like to say is ‘thank you.’ Not only has Harvard given me an extraordinary honour, but the weeks of fear and nausea I’ve experienced at the thought of giving this commencement address have made me lose weight. A win-win situation! Now all I have to do is take deep breaths, squint at the red banners and fool myself into believing I am at the world’s best-educated Harry Potter convention.

Delivering a commencement address is a great responsibility; or so I thought until I cast my mind back to my own graduation. The commencement speaker that day was the distinguished British philosopher Baroness Mary Warnock. Reflecting on her speech has helped me enormously in writing this one, because it turns out that I can’t remember a single word she said. This liberating discovery enables me to proceed without any fear that I might inadvertently influence you to abandon promising careers in business, law or politics for the giddy delights of becoming a gay wizard.

You see? If all you remember in years to come is the ‘gay wizard’ joke, I’ve still come out ahead of Baroness Mary Warnock. Achievable goals: the first step towards personal improvement.

Actually, I have wracked my mind and heart for what I ought to say to you today. I have asked myself what I wish I had known at my own graduation, and what important lessons I have learned in the 21 years that has expired between that day and this.

I have come up with two answers. On this wonderful day when we are gathered together to celebrate your academic success, I have decided to talk to you about the benefits of failure. And as you stand on the threshold of what is sometimes called ‘real life’, I want to extol the crucial importance of imagination.

These might seem quixotic or paradoxical choices, but please bear with me.

Looking back at the 21-year-old that I was at graduation, is a slightly uncomfortable experience for the 42-year-old that she has become. Half my lifetime ago, I was striking an uneasy balance between the ambition I had for myself, and what those closest to me expected of me.

I was convinced that the only thing I wanted to do, ever, was to write novels. However, my parents, both of whom came from impoverished backgrounds and neither of whom had been to college, took the view that my overactive imagination was an amusing personal quirk that could never pay a mortgage, or secure a pension.

They had hoped that I would take a vocational degree; I wanted to study English Literature. A compromise was reached that in retrospect satisfied nobody, and I went up to study Modern Languages. Hardly had my parents’ car rounded the corner at the end of the road than I ditched German and scuttled off down the Classics corridor.

I cannot remember telling my parents that I was studying Classics; they might well have found out for the first time on graduation day. Of all subjects on this planet, I think they would have been hard put to name one less useful than Greek mythology when it came to securing the keys to an executive bathroom.

I would like to make it clear, in parenthesis, that I do not blame my parents for their point of view. There is an expiry date on blaming your parents for steering you in the wrong direction; the moment you are old enough to take the wheel, responsibility lies with you. What is more, I cannot criticise my parents for hoping that I would never experience poverty. They had been poor themselves, and I have since been poor, and I quite agree with them that it is not an ennobling experience. Poverty entails fear, and stress, and sometimes depression; it means a thousand petty humiliations and hardships. Climbing out of poverty by your own efforts, that is indeed something on which to pride yourself, but poverty itself is romanticised only by fools.

What I feared most for myself at your age was not poverty, but failure.

At your age, in spite of a distinct lack of motivation at university, where I had spent far too long in the coffee bar writing stories, and far too little time at lectures, I had a knack for passing examinations, and that, for years, had been the measure of success in my life and that of my peers.

I am not dull enough to suppose that because you are young, gifted and well-educated, you have never known hardship or heartbreak. Talent and intelligence never yet inoculated anyone against the caprice of the Fates, and I do not for a moment suppose that everyone here has enjoyed an existence of unruffled privilege and contentment.

However, the fact that you are graduating from Harvard suggests that you are not very well-acquainted with failure. You might be driven by a fear of failure quite as much as a desire for success. Indeed, your conception of failure might not be too far from the average person’s idea of success, so high have you already flown academically.

Ultimately, we all have to decide for ourselves what constitutes failure, but the world is quite eager to give you a set of criteria if you let it. So I think it fair to say that by any conventional measure, a mere seven years after my graduation day, I had failed on an epic scale. An exceptionally short-lived marriage had imploded, and I was jobless, a lone parent, and as poor as it is possible to be in modern Britain, without being homeless. The fears my parents had had for me, and that I had had for myself, had both come to pass, and by every usual standard, I was the biggest failure I knew.

Now, I am not going to stand here and tell you that failure is fun. That period of my life was a dark one, and I had no idea that there was going to be what the press has since represented as a kind of fairy tale resolution. I had no idea how far the tunnel extended, and for a long time, any light at the end of it was a hope rather than a reality.

So why do I talk about the benefits of failure? Simply because failure meant a stripping away of the inessential. I stopped pretending to myself that I was anything other than what I was, and began to direct all my energy into finishing the only work that mattered to me. Had I really succeeded at anything else, I might never have found the determination to succeed in the one arena I believed I truly belonged. I was set free, because my greatest fear had already been realised, and I was still alive, and I still had a daughter whom I adored, and I had an old typewriter and a big idea. And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.

You might never fail on the scale I did, but some failure in life is inevitable. It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all - in which case, you fail by default.

Failure gave me an inner security that I had never attained by passing examinations. Failure taught me things about myself that I could have learned no other way. I discovered that I had a strong will, and more discipline than I had suspected; I also found out that I had friends whose value was truly above rubies.

The knowledge that you have emerged wiser and stronger from setbacks means that you are, ever after, secure in your ability to survive. You will never truly know yourself, or the strength of your relationships, until both have been tested by adversity. Such knowledge is a true gift, for all that it is painfully won, and it has been worth more to me than any qualification I ever earned.

Given a time machine or a Time Turner, I would tell my 21-year-old self that personal happiness lies in knowing that life is not a check-list of acquisition or achievement. Your qualifications, your CV, are not your life, though you will meet many people of my age and older who confuse the two. Life is difficult, and complicated, and beyond anyone’s total control, and the humility to know that will enable you to survive its vicissitudes.

You might think that I chose my second theme, the importance of imagination, because of the part it played in rebuilding my life, but that is not wholly so. Though I will defend the value of bedtime stories to my last gasp, I have learned to value imagination in a much broader sense. Imagination is not only the uniquely human capacity to envision that which is not, and therefore the fount of all invention and innovation. In its arguably most transformative and revelatory capacity, it is the power that enables us to empathise with humans whose experiences we have never shared.

One of the greatest formative experiences of my life preceded Harry Potter, though it informed much of what I subsequently wrote in those books. This revelation came in the form of one of my earliest day jobs. Though I was sloping off to write stories during my lunch hours, I paid the rent in my early 20s by working in the research department at Amnesty International’s headquarters in London.

There in my little office I read hastily scribbled letters smuggled out of totalitarian regimes by men and women who were risking imprisonment to inform the outside world of what was happening to them. I saw photographs of those who had disappeared without trace, sent to Amnesty by their desperate families and friends. I read the testimony of torture victims and saw pictures of their injuries. I opened handwritten, eye-witness accounts of summary trials and executions, of kidnappings and rapes.

Many of my co-workers were ex-political prisoners, people who had been displaced from their homes, or fled into exile, because they had the temerity to think independently of their government. Visitors to our office included those who had come to give information, or to try and find out what had happened to those they had been forced to leave behind.

I shall never forget the African torture victim, a young man no older than I was at the time, who had become mentally ill after all he had endured in his homeland. He trembled uncontrollably as he spoke into a video camera about the brutality inflicted upon him. He was a foot taller than I was, and seemed as fragile as a child. I was given the job of escorting him to the Underground Station afterwards, and this man whose life had been shattered by cruelty took my hand with exquisite courtesy, and wished me future happiness.

And as long as I live I shall remember walking along an empty corridor and suddenly hearing, from behind a closed door, a scream of pain and horror such as I have never heard since. The door opened, and the researcher poked out her head and told me to run and make a hot drink for the young man sitting with her. She had just given him the news that in retaliation for his own outspokenness against his country’s regime, his mother had been seized and executed.

Every day of my working week in my early 20s I was reminded how incredibly fortunate I was, to live in a country with a democratically elected government, where legal representation and a public trial were the rights of everyone.

Every day, I saw more evidence about the evils humankind will inflict on their fellow humans, to gain or maintain power. I began to have nightmares, literal nightmares, about some of the things I saw, heard and read.

And yet I also learned more about human goodness at Amnesty International than I had ever known before.

Amnesty mobilises thousands of people who have never been tortured or imprisoned for their beliefs to act on behalf of those who have. The power of human empathy, leading to collective action, saves lives, and frees prisoners. Ordinary people, whose personal well-being and security are assured, join together in huge numbers to save people they do not know, and will never meet. My small participation in that process was one of the most humbling and inspiring experiences of my life.

Unlike any other creature on this planet, humans can learn and understand, without having experienced. They can think themselves into other people’s minds, imagine themselves into other people’s places.

Of course, this is a power, like my brand of fictional magic, that is morally neutral. One might use such an ability to manipulate, or control, just as much as to understand or sympathise.

And many prefer not to exercise their imaginations at all. They choose to remain comfortably within the bounds of their own experience, never troubling to wonder how it would feel to have been born other than they are. They can refuse to hear screams or to peer inside cages; they can close their minds and hearts to any suffering that does not touch them personally; they can refuse to know.

I might be tempted to envy people who can live that way, except that I do not think they have any fewer nightmares than I do. Choosing to live in narrow spaces can lead to a form of mental agoraphobia, and that brings its own terrors. I think the wilfully unimaginative see more monsters. They are often more afraid.

What is more, those who choose not to empathise may enable real monsters. For without ever committing an act of outright evil ourselves, we collude with it, through our own apathy.

One of the many things I learned at the end of that Classics corridor down which I ventured at the age of 18, in search of something I could not then define, was this, written by the Greek author Plutarch: What we achieve inwardly will change outer reality.

That is an astonishing statement and yet proven a thousand times every day of our lives. It expresses, in part, our inescapable connection with the outside world, the fact that we touch other people’s lives simply by existing.

But how much more are you, Harvard graduates of 2008, likely to touch other people’s lives? Your intelligence, your capacity for hard work, the education you have earned and received, give you unique status, and unique responsibilities. Even your nationality sets you apart. The great majority of you belong to the world’s only remaining superpower. The way you vote, the way you live, the way you protest, the pressure you bring to bear on your government, has an impact way beyond your borders. That is your privilege, and your burden.

If you choose to use your status and influence to raise your voice on behalf of those who have no voice; if you choose to identify not only with the powerful, but with the powerless; if you retain the ability to imagine yourself into the lives of those who do not have your advantages, then it will not only be your proud families who celebrate your existence, but thousands and millions of people whose reality you have helped transform for the better. We do not need magic to change the world, we carry all the power we need inside ourselves already: we have the power to imagine better.

I am nearly finished. I have one last hope for you, which is something that I already had at 21. The friends with whom I sat on graduation day have been my friends for life. They are my children’s godparents, the people to whom I’ve been able to turn in times of trouble, friends who have been kind enough not to sue me when I’ve used their names for Death Eaters. At our graduation we were bound by enormous affection, by our shared experience of a time that could never come again, and, of course, by the knowledge that we held certain photographic evidence that would be exceptionally valuable if any of us ran for Prime Minister.

So today, I can wish you nothing better than similar friendships. And tomorrow, I hope that even if you remember not a single word of mine, you remember those of Seneca, another of those old Romans I met when I fled down the Classics corridor, in retreat from career ladders, in search of ancient wisdom:
As is a tale, so is life: not how long it is, but how good it is, is what matters.
I wish you all very good lives.
Thank you very much.


Wednesday, July 15, 2009

I heard.....

"Men may be from Mars and women from Venus but some observant Venusians understand the brute fundamentals of Martian psychology."-Stephen Holden.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Boring Post Alert



I am happy. I proudly broadcast foolery today from behind a gleaming white, beast of a machine christened MacMilliennne a.k.a my new MacBook....courtesy of my wonderful parents who will defy the recession and do all they can to make sure I pass my exams....(and secure the highest possible bride price. Yes, children are an investment from which SUBSTANTIAL returns are expected. Love you mummy & daddy, really!!!). In the last few days I have been computerless and it sucked...until my friend (& hero fondly know as Techno Boy around these here parts) lent me his aged computer....then it super-sucked. This computer if I’m not mistaken, and I’m not, has been recognised by scientists and jobless folk alike as the first computer created in the history of the world. Archaelogists and historians argue that the Almighty used it to create the original draft of the Ten Commandments. I’m just saying.*Beams brightly at the God that gave her the sense of humour to tease him with* So I am fully appreciative of a wondrous machine that works quickly...even though I managed to misplace my ‘settings’ icon, forget my password and incompletely transfer my files in the first 10 minutes, I am determined to master this MacHiavellian machine....(Indeed, expect many more disgustingly dry Mac inspired jokes from my arsenal:).
 
In the last few days I have learnt some very important lessons. Technology is not our friend, help comes from the strangest places, my aunty might just be a dictator and a song called 'Booty Dew' is polluting these mean virtual reality streets and encouraging general hood rat hoe-tivity.
 
Its almost 2weeks to the exam and negroes and gentlefolks alike are beginning to panic. Im trying desperately to hold on to the last bit of my sanity because you know NO ONE does panic like a Nigerian woman...I have already sweated my formerly neatly pressed perm into a kinky afro of Don Imus proportions but who's panicking???Certainly not me.*side-eyes self*...OH LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWDDDDD I AM FRIGHTENED....in fact, as my sister/resident angel R.I.P, used to say when she was a baby....I.AM.AAA-SCAAARRREED!
 
I realised I may just have to chilaxate with the 'fearing' when my good friend and study buddy Char-Char fell ill 2 Saturdays ago. In recent times, we both realized that the sixteen hours a day we were putting into studying wasn’t going to cut it. So regardless of the fact that we have both been isolated in a tiny Rapunzel-style dungeon, masquerading as a study, with neither horse nor Indian hair to throw out the window for our white-horsed Ashanti warrior-princes to rescue us, and that our diet has been reduced to McDonald fare, AND that we sat in the same position for several hours per day, standing only for bathroom breaks....we felt guilty because apparently we “weren’t working hard enough”....we actually posted inspirational words on the wall including “We must hurt ourselves...pain is gain”. Hindsight is a bastard.

So after much thought we decided to make like Busta Bus and ‘Ante Up’…I rang my aunty in Illinois; a wonderful, disciplined lady, for help and she happily promised to wake us up at 5.30am daily so we could steal more hours from The Day herself.
 
On the first morning, before the first cock had arisen and dared to frustrate farmers and fishermen alike with a hungry crow, my aunty diligently rang from Illinois, kilometers away in distance and 2 hours away in time. In her bright, cheery 7.30am voice she encouraged me to wake up and begin to study. Opening an eye and realising that ‘sun never wash body commot for house’, I sleepily suggested she wake me up in an hour or something….and my cheery aunty morphed into a Ninja Turtle via telephone and admonished “MY FRIEND WAKE UP THERE?!?!?! STAND UP RIGHT NOW, WASH THAT FACE, TAKE A SHOWER, DRINK SOME JUICE(me:huh??!?!)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I'M NOT WAKING YOU UP AT ANY 6.30, WAKE UUUUP!!!”…I actually jumped out of bed like I was at Man O' War camp, straight into the tub. With all my clothes still on. Sleep will do that to you, mate.

My aunty has done the same thing since that day, every morning! Turns out this same Ninja-Aunty is the same one who encouraged me 2 mornings ago when she woke me up and I lay on my bed struggling with tears(I said I was A-SCCCURED!!!) and reminded me of the most important thing....its only 2weeks of suffering left!!!!! *whooop whooooooop*...iI just want this to be over, I feel like I have been studying for.ever.
 
Anyways so after such a 5.30am to 12am diet daily, our bodies began to revolt. Saturday, 4th of July, we took a break to watch the fireworks at the marina in F’risco from our friends house on the legendary Crooked Street(googl'it). Then the wonderful Parisienne wonder and sturdy study buddy Char-Char fell violently ill all night, vomiting, seeing triples, hallucinating and all that good stuff. Fear, stress and tiredness…. the Bar is upon us.*shivers* So I realised I have to slow down before I go the same way. I took most of Sunday off to recharge my tired batteries and just as I was feeling refreshed and unstressed, my laptop decided to die on me…sending my pressure sky rocketing again! This kind of life!

But there was a little sun in the horizon, there’s a lovely lady who lives on our floor that has taken it upon herself to mummy us. She is a lawyer visiting from Ohio and is away from her kids at the moment so we are more than happy to fill their littleyellowwellies. Its nice to come into your study room in the morning and see flowers and notes and chocolates from “Your supporter at #336”…….
 
Char-Char, the studying (& often daydreaming...she's allowed, she's getting married in November!!!) Parisienne:0)



Saturday, July 11, 2009

I Heard.....

"If all goes well, I will STORM the citadel of her womanhood"......LOL, Nollywood will not be the death of me!

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

'Booty Dew' Killed Hip Hop. Please arrest the singers & alert the authorities.



On one of my food breaks, I went to my room to eat and turned the TV on to BET....dont judge me, after sitting in a car with my Anglo-Saxon friends and listening to a serious discussion about Moby (yes, the bald singer), which did not ONCE involve any of the following words; “WHO?!?".."WHY??"..."HUH, MOBY??!?! SERIOUSLY HOW?!?!"...but rather included detailed descriptions of Moby concerts and songs (yes, Moby fans are real live humans just like you and I) and a lavish amount of praise heaped on the clean-shaven head of said songbird, my TV has been on BET watch since that day, as I struggle to reclaim my Negrocity. LOL!!!  

So anyways, it was at such a time that I became acquainted with a video tentatively titled ‘Booty Dew’. You see, I suspect that this is one thing impeding the (African-) American dream ; specifically this brand of foolishness. Yes, I am taking it there and indeed blaming Hip Hop…not as the sole cause of some of the foolishness I've witnessed in America’s black community, which I am quite pleased to say I’m not a part of seeing as I am African.....(and I'm an active member of the potentially more foolery-exhibiting Negrodom known as the African community...a fact that is really neither here nor there)....but as a substantial contributor to the irresponsibility I witness daily.We press on.

My problem with Hip Hop is manifest. Not least because it manages to continuously spew forth homo-sapiens whose faces assure me that the God I serve certainly has a sense of humour. Men who sometimes look like they have fully evolved, but whose lyrics evidence otherwise. I don’t know how far across the Atlantic some of these ‘Rap’ songs spread especially the kawwwntrayyy…...ahem, country style rap but I hope and at the same time fear that many people may have borne witness to one of such videos. This video is entitled ‘Halle Berry....She Fine’ (or Halllayyy Bayyyrayyy She Fooooiiinnnee, according to the grown folk chanting along to this track in the video).

The fact that there are several ladies of the ‘thicker than a snicker’ variety in this video (sistahs who I steadfastly remain jealous of by the way *eyes her tiny bum sadly*), or that there is a ghetto fabulous version of Yung Halle in this video or that yet another cringe-inducing, breakfast-indigesting, frankly-annoying ‘dance’ has arrived doesn’t fascinate me as much as the *huge sigh as she types the next words* ‘singer and songwriter’ Hurricane Chris. The entire time I watched this video, I was struck by one thing and one thing alone……WHY, does this young man’s face start from the place normally reserved for lips in other peoples faces? I mean, this man's entire face is a forehead. Why? And I kept asking myself why over and over again. And because I am who I am, I somehow managed to find reasonable justifications to solve the mystery of his hidden hairline(Yes, you may call me Miss Drew). I reasoned, his hairline lies closer to the back of his neck than his eyebrows probably because of the tight braids...or a style in the durrty souf might be to shave off most of the front hair, revealing a gleaming brow?...Frankly I was worried.

I was in the middle of such volatile thoughts thus was unable to react fast enough to the announcement of the number 7 video on BET's 106 & Park countdown; “Booty Dew’. And that’s how dear friends I was found in front of a TV watching a video & listening to a song I define as ‘Niggatry in its rawest and most undiluted form.’

Now my problem wasn’t the fact that there were sprinkled amongst the dancing negroes in this video, several white frat boys singing along and dancing to this video, I was far more surprised by the reaction of the studio audience when the camera returned to the 106 & Park studio. All the 14-year-olds-pretending-to-be-18 were singing along loudly with their too bright sneakers and ponytails stacked high at the wrong side of their craniums while the hosts Souljaboy’d along to the song like it was all normal. Attendre, WAIT....a song is called BOOTY.DEW and not even one person has a WTH face?!? C’mon, give me a disgusted face…..hell, a slightly confused face at least?!! Nope, everyone was just basking in the ignorance as the ‘singer’ crooned about the joys of booty dew.

My relationship with Hip Hop is strange. While I don’t think it is the living spring from which all hoodrat behaviour flows, I think it has a dangerous and lasting effect on the community. I mean these little kids, had just watched someone tell them about booty dew,whatever the hell that means, and were gearing to listen to the #6 song ‘Birthday Sex’……seriously, then we wonder where all the women on the Maury show come from?!?!

The Hip Hop proponents' argument for Hip Hop is that it should be recognised and preserved because it is a respectable art form that allows rappers tell their story, its a documentation of the black struggle, the voice of the people, etc. Maybe.

Before I moved to America I always thought a lot of Hip Hop stories in songs were exaggerations but my foray into Oakland has proven otherwise; ‘babymommadrama’ is the norm, as are dead beat dads and cracked out mums, pimp style negroes, clear heeled stripper shoes in the daytime, durags & timbs, perpetual smell of weed on almost EVERYONE, cornrowed negroes at the corners looking to ‘holla right quick’, conversate & copulate with any free-breathing or asthmatic female, little 14 year old girls jumping rope with their babies on one hand.….ok I havent seen that one yet but the number of babies with babies is a little disquietning. These rappers are actually singing about real life situations. So yes, it is the voice of their struggle.

HOWEVER, where do we put the Hallay Barrays?!? Or T-Pain and his ridiculous questions("Have you ever been in the VIP room of your favourite strip club?"...Er, no sir! How many people who listen to your music can afford the scenarios you describe and can answer affirmatively to that question pray tell? Gremlin please! Tell me something I can relate to!!), is he still a part of the struggle? Or pure entertainment? How entertaining is it that there are whole parts of the world where black people are still strange to see or that there still exists so many narrow minds in the black-president led America for whom blacks will never be regarded as equal. How entertaining is it to confirm such unhealthy stereotypes?

True, we are not responsible for the ignorant minded idiots who really don’t understand that all humans were created equal,but at the same time I really have to wonder what goes through the mind of a person in say Montenegro, who hasn’t seen many negroes in real life but has seen enough of them on MTV behaving in a way we have come to expect of niggers…NOT black people...(Youtube Chris Rock on Niggers), when he sees a *gasp* Real Live Negro??

I know, I know, this is taking things too far but I cant help but wonder…..especially after reading that Jay-Z said Hip Hop has done more than any ambassador or politician to unite the races. *shrugs* Maybe. But it’s the kind of unity deserving of a side eye me thinks. I’m not sure if Shaniqua is ready for any Molly to be living vicariously through her, that’s what Hip Hop does. Or Deshawn to have John Smith throwing the ‘N’ bomb around then innocently (and legitimately) inquiring why he cant use it if Tyrone & ‘em can? Thats what Hip Hop does. Hell, Hip Hop is the reason why I write irrevently on this blog, laughing at words and a lifestyle that is far removed from mine but is very real to someone and is all they know. It’s a shame really, but that’s Hip Hop.

Truth is, Hip Hop tells the world a story but too many times its telling an incomplete one. Someone once told me that the camera lens has only one eye, so it can't see properly. So there are no panoramic tales on our TV's;just the same story with the same script and characters that lead the listeners and viewers to think that there is only one type of African American man or that the black woman comes in one shape and brain size. They dont tell us that for every Delishis, Angel Lola Luv and Buffy the Body there is a Michelle Obama or a Valerie Jarrett or a young girl in college, studying and staying away from general hoodrat activity and sorority sister style hoe-tivity....which incidentally most often involve the Mollys & the Beckys(yes, mudfights in the backyards of the frat houses at Berkeley NEVER involve sistahs....and I know this for sure because Black Woman's Hair + Water= Someone Looking For A Fight, BUT Black Woman's Hair + DIRTY water + Sand or MUD???= Instant Death For The Bastard Son Of A Diseased Goat Who Orchestrated The 'Fun'....see I'm getting mad just thinking about it.)

Speaking about the state of Hip Hop, does Drake look like a black vampire to anyone else? So NO ONE in the world besides me thinks this gentleman looks like he rubs white powder on his face daily????? Look deep within yourself and answer truthfully ....

Monday, July 6, 2009

I heard......HD edition

My laptop died today....it cant be revived apparently. It went with all my notes, three weeks from the biggest exam of my life. "God punish computers!!!" was my original thought as I cried like a broken hearted slave on an America-bound negro ship....But I got over it, in the end its a laptop that died not a person so I guess it could have been worse. I guess.

This always cheers me up:

Sunday, July 5, 2009

:-(

My laptop is looking for my trouble.... with a torch light.... Riddle me this Batman*, why is my laptop refusing to come on??!

I called H.P and some Indians at the other end(??!??!!)told me there's nothing they can do for me because I'm past the 1year warranty mark *blank stare*....I almost released my inner Shaniqua....more on that later, I'm too sad to even crack any jokes.

...Seriously the devil is a bloody liar(yes, I took it there), at this crucial point in time, should my laptop really be dying??!*insert saddest faced emoticon available*

Dear God,I'm asking you to please make tomorrow a better day.Amen.Goonight!
P.s;Don't sleep oh!

*crunktastical.net

Thursday, July 2, 2009

"Houston, We Have A Problem!!"

Before going to bed yesterday night I decided to unwind by taking a look at some blogs to keep abreast with the world of celebrity goss. Oh! necolebitchie.com showed me something that boggled my mind, chastised my spirit and frustrated my soul…twas a video paying tribute to the man that the world no go let quench, Michael Jackson.

Now, I got over the death the day it happened because well, we weren’t friends like that if you know what I mean*side-eyes self* But apparently, some*does air quotes* people are refusing to let things go. That’s how I came across this video staring Boys II Men, The Boxer That Could (Chris ‘Breezy’ Brown)……and The Game.*blank stare*

So I pressed play and watched with my face screwed up in the often imitated ‘What The Hell?!?!’ position like so:

Fascinated and horrified in equal bouts by the opportunistic use of someone’s death for money making & fame whoring! Two good things came out of this video though. First, Boys II Men. Need I say more?!?!Anything that can bring them back together making melodies is a-alright with me homie!!! Granted I’m awfully biased seeing as the ‘Nathan Michael Shawn Wanya’ album…was the soundtrack to many laughter-inducing high school memories…… AND the fact that I am still holding out for a man that will sing ‘I do’ from that album to me on my wedding day, I was more than happy to hear Boys II Men harmonizing for whatever cause, in this ‘tribute video’

2nd good thing, Chris Breezy. With all the madness surrounding him lately, I almost forgot I actually like his sound and the music he makes. Although the fact that this negro could engage in a full blown fight with an island girl(Yeah I said it! You have heard before now that black women are all sorts of crazy [no matter how civilized we act in front of company, don’t be fooled!]….but I believe a special place is reserved in negro heaven for women from the Islands….Rumour has it that they are the modern Antieneria race that historians thought had died) Antianeira literally translates to ‘Women who fight like men’...this made me question Chris Brown's own self-esteem, mental state and general love for himself. I mean, why do that to yourself?!

So yeah, I am slightly in awe of Breezy's audacity in taking on an Island gyal, lawd knows one of them looks at me like ‘What nigga???!?! What?!?!’ and I’m shamelessly begging for forgiveness. Immediately. On the other hand his antics had me reading the news with an ‘Oooh I wish a nigga would!!!’ look on my face. Seriously if a man beat me I don’t even know what I would do! I suspect it would involve bleaching clothes, scratching cars, rat poisoning, prank calling bosses at random hours and leaving threatening messages from your phone….all while crying like a woman in a Craig David video and softly singing Emotions, Irreplaceable or other such Destiny Child man-eater inspired songs. In other words, I would go Angela-Bassett-crazy on you. So don’t do it…..But I digress. I was saying the song reminded me that Chris can indeed carry a tune in a bucket.

BUT, all of this goodness did not distract me from the fact that The Game looks like an Aba merchant or that he seems like somebody with body odour or indeed that the song deserves a MIGHTY side eye. I mean, I knew it was going to be problematic when The Game started his rap with the words, “I’m Michael Jackson, you’re Michael Jackson.” Er,no negro, I aint. And neither are you so stop this foolishness and go back under your rock of irrelevancy.

Watch the video and see how serious he is taking this whole thing, like his name is Sir Game Jackson…actually at some point he does in fact say ‘We are all Jacksons’*sigh* Seriously, why?...why though?

I guess I should know better, after all this is a man with tattoos on his face.I strongly believe any homo sapien of adult age and the capacity to reason, who tattoos his face IS actually as stupid as you suspect they might be when u first see them…because it shows a lack of foresight….which in turn shows a propensity for foolishness(e.g. Nigerian leaders; shortsightedness is directly proportional to gross acts of foolishness. Tried, tested & trusted baby!!). So The Game is stupid.....If you look stupid( tattoos on his face, Michael Jackson tattoo on his arm….seriously, a tattoo of Michael at the graveyard scene of the Thriller video where he looked corpse ugly??!!Really though??), you sound stupid(spewing forth phrases like “….we are Michael Jackson”)…then by golly, you ARE stupid!

Long story short, I understand where Boys II Men are coming from with this song, they were famous at the same time as MJ in the early 90's and probably met him a few times. Brown is obviously influenced by Jackson as he has said wayyyy before now, and did in fact meet and perform with him. But The Game?….is an irrelevant pseudo-thug opportunist who has jumped on the band wagon and is like that person at the funeral who hardly knew the dead yet cries even louder than all the family members. He is a Professional Mourner.