The older you grow, the more likely to come to pass your fears become. Your silly ones like never disabusing yourself of the need to suck your thumb when you sleep. Or serious like losing someone you love. In essence, life happens. I’ve really hated the darker times in my largely sun-filled life. But I’ve also learnt a lot about myself and life in general in those times. In fact far more than I’ve learnt at any other time in my life…it’s like being on an intense, condensed course in Sadness with electives in Toughening Up and In-depth Self Reflection as side options. Things that took me 20 fairly odd years to learn about myself and others, I learnt in a few weeks of sorrow and mild depression.
One of the things I hate most about Sorrow is her bald, acrylic-taloned, flat chested (i imagine) companion; Fear. That instant, pervading and permanent fear that engulfs you, from the moment one of your hidden fears becomes a reality. Your heart stops, your head spins, the air in your lungs escape your lips in a hurry, your hands shake…your tear ducts squeeze but nothing comes out...as if your watermen aren't keen to release any fluid, like they are too despondent to produce the tears they are supposed to. Your whole body, mind and soul wilts in defeat as you think of 101 things left unsaid or said or couldadonebetters or oughtnottohaves. You’re hurting but you’re too shocked to cry or link the building blocks of alphabets into words to share your pain, to express your rage, your eyes are glazed and your heart actually feels like a paper weight; heavy and hollow. Sigh, I hate going through that painful process. The only thing comparable is that first moment where your soul suspects that sorrow is probable and imminent, the trepidation you live with right before the full extent of your upcoming hurt is unveiled is horrible. To me.
But day by day, after the realization hits, when it has settled and fits you snugly like that LBD that’s your best friend for one season you slowly begin to look behind you; not with horror, confusion or sorrow but with a better perspective, a new understanding of yourself, others, situations. The process is hard but the lessons you learn are invaluable.
I’ll share what I’ve learnt in recent times; I can only control my own actions. I am responsible for no one else’s.
Manipulation, fervent hoping, cold wars, mind games, wild expectations, will get you nowhere fast. Follow Your Bliss. Expect a 100% from yourself all the time. Do your best ONLY because that is what you want from yourself; being the best version of yourself you know how to be. Ultimately, you can only control and are only accountable for your own actions. When people say things like if "I was more like *insert perceived favourable trait*, this wouldn't have happened..."I quietly ask them to take a seat in the corner and face the wall, they seldom agree but that's neither here nor there. Holding yourself responsible for another's actions is the invite to the Guilt & Self-Pity Lounge. Thank Great Jehovah for helping me realise this mid-self evaluation. If you know you've done your best please don't blame yourself if things don't work out the way they ought, you've done your bit now leave it to the Finisher of Our Faith to work things out. God impresses me time and time again with His uncanny ability to steadily work things out in a way that benefits me in the end; the secret is to ask consistently through the pain "...show me the lesson here! Please!" Otherwise all of that anguish is actually your own time wasted if you GAIN nothing at all! *Shakes head vehemently* I MUST learn something if only so I can feel like I defeated the situation. A little. I'm competitive like that.
The entire point of this article, was to get to this final point...What I Like Best About Pain.
The education it brings and the empowerment that follows heartbreak is invaluable. It's like your body develops an immunity, the possibility of your Self being attacked again of course always remains, but you’re more knowledgeable in self-preservation. More than that if you listen to the still, small voice inside, you realize that you have a new-found confidence, not in things or people but solely in yourself, your abilities to survive time and time again. Suddenly you feel invincible, and I think that’s what every human has at their core; a strength and resilience that will always let you survive… if you Let Yourself Learn.
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