Epistle to The Left

"The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;
For nothing now can ever come to any good."
-Funeral Blues, W.H. Auden (1 of my fave poems & poets)



Today, the news said that a plane is missing. A plane full of people ,a huge object floating through a traffic less sky, has suddenly vanished. A passenger plane with someone’s baby, a daughter’s daddy, a brother’s sister, a wife’s husband, a girlfriend’s friend friend’s friend. I saw the news and all I could think was “Uh-oh, someone’s about to have the rug suddenly pulled from under her. I thought, “…someone is about to hate God with everything inside him....and perhaps someone, is about to find God in a way she never knew.” All reactions to death.

Death. It comes really without warning. Someone on that plane, when she clicked on her seat belt was only thinking of ‘du pain et la beurre’ she would be ‘la consuming’ in Paris. It did not even cross her mind that THIS plane, this very one whose seat she just adjusted, would not indeed reach La Chez de Baguette without a quick pit-stop at death.

Death. No one really knows when exactly it’s going to come. The worst kind is the unexpected youthful-not-ill kind of death that doesn’t allow you prepare. It just arrives and you’re left looking like a black girl with a bad weave strolling round London on a windy evening in March, without a comb. In other words, looking electric shocked & wildly crazy. I mean, one moment the person is next to you and the next she is gone forever. FOR-EVER. And you haven’t told her all the things you want to say. You haven’t finished teasing her, or hugging her, or lying to her, or crying with her, or making her laugh, or telling her how proud you are of her, or stealing her yet unbought clothes, or….

You just haven’t finished living…with her. And now they tell you she is leaving…..that she has in fact, left. But all you can think is “She couldn’t have left already…because she holds a bit of my soul with her and I need it”. You think the apocalypse must be upon us, that the world must come to an end before this evening or else one of the sharper edges of your broken heart will find a way to kill you. You suspect, somehow, that you will not be able to go on. How can you with a broken heart? But you must. Why? Because you don’t have a choice.

Very soon, you will watch the news, if you haven’t already, and see that GM’s bankruptcy is greater news than the loss of your baby. Can you beat that shizzle???? Some company losing money is important BUT at this moment, nothing else registers. All you can think is that the entire world did not pause to empathise with your sadness, to celebrate the amazing person your friend was, to mourn the extinguishing of the light of your brother’s star. The world is not angry at the unfairness that took away your love and leaves your heart bleeding, in fact, toddlers are still giggling in the park at this very moment. Worse, a 12 year old girl in Indianapolis is crying over the ‘love’ of her life who has broken her heart today by sitting with Marylyn Green (who witnesses say has began to sprout growths that look annoyingly like boobs) at lunch. And you just don’t understand. How can the world go on like they don’t know the end is here?? You are probably watching the news and wondering “ Why isn’t that newscaster out looking for my child?!”… The GM boss is talking but all you can think of is “WHY ISNT HE OUT LOOKING FOR MY HUSBAND?!!?!! What could be more important AT.THIS.TIME??”

At this moment, it feels like nothing will be right with the world again. You don’t believe the world will carry on as normal, I mean how can it, when an essential life to its existence, to your existence has been quenched??! But the world will go on, because no one is indispensable to it, it owes no one and it owns no one. And you, you too will survive and grow and indeed go on. So your life as you know it has changed and the future looks like this: ....inspiring feelings of dread, pain, anxiety, fear, worry, anger, hurt, disappointment, cyniscism[….yes, just that ONE face….say 'NO' to surgery, people!!!]. So your life may never be the one you had before…but it might be a new one, one where you are no longer afraid of death; ‘cause you have seen her do her worst and lived to testify, you might find in your new life some of your shackles of fear are loosened and you feel stronger and brave enough to handle any challenge. In your new life, you my friend are legend, you are an inspiration and more confident of your abilities by virtue of living-through tragedy. While this is no replacement to the loss suffered, this is just encouragement that IT.IS.NOT.OVER. You are strong and will now look any challenge in the face and with a mean mug, a palm full of Diva Dust, God-given peace that passeth all understanding and a calm spirit and say “Bring. It.”

In that way, you dear friend, have cheated death.