Monday Blues:-(

I woke up today completely overwhelmed by the task I’ve set for myself. And I woke up late. My phone was still on silent mode from studying yesterday night so all pings and wake up calls were promptly ignored…probably to my phones utter delight as I have been known to physically assault this non-living being several mornings a week. Anyways, I woke up frightened, like “What the hell was I thinking thinking I could take the New York bar exam?!?!” I have 35 days remaining. And 23 subjects left. To memorise by heart. *gulp*

I get up looking like I’d done a Jacob and engaged in battle with a burly angel in my dream; crazed and harassed. I stalk in my jammies to my pee’d-on territory in the study room. (Its so funny when you wake up angry and just stalk around, angry at everything and nothing in particular...until you mistakenly see yourself in the mirror; weave glued to head or electrified-out, eye crusted closed, looking like you’re channeling your inner Quasimodo…at that point you just have to laugh at yourself!).I sit, I try to study. But nothing is going in…..my brain is so full of fear there’s no room in the peanut for anything else. So I leave the dreaded McNasties sometimes referred to as ‘books’ and go back to my room.

I just sit in the dark and meditate. I need some help and no one can help me. All the Obamagery is totally useless now, of course it’s easy for everyone to say “You will be fine” and “You can do it”, what else will they tell you??? “Yeah um, dumb idea thinking you will pass this exam, it’s a lot of work for anyone, be realistic how will you pass?!? Just come home”. Times like this words can not suffice.

So, I go to the source of words….and thoughts….and actions. I go to God. Some people trust their self-sufficient will and strict discipline or their abilities or their history of success or their brains. This is good if it works for you (One of my best friends here is an atheist and I am slightly surprised by how genuinely fond of him I am regardless of the fact that our stances in life are so different. I don’t even bother preaching because my words can barely convey what God means to me and I don’t want to sell Him short, so I just do me and hope my actions whisper a little louder than my nonexistent words). If self-belief is enough for you, great…..but I have come to realize that some things in life require at least a modicum of luck, or favour or SOMETHING cos sometimes you do everything right but achieve what Greek mythologists describe as an EPIC FAIL!(LOL, I love those words!).

Sitting in the darkness in my room, I think & talk….. and I trust. I trust that the words I’m saying mean something to a higher power somewhere. I sit and I speak and I ask and I wonder out loud and I worry and I explain and I think. And I remember the words of Fred Hammond’s ‘Be Magnified’. Now, for the longest time, I didn’t get this song, I thought it was one of those gospel songs that incorporates abstract concepts eg ‘glorious’, wondrous, faithful etc. (I have always thought these are odd ways to describe God. I mean wondrous? Er, yeah maybe to the Isrealites after watching Him part a whole bloody ocean before their very eyes, wondrous, glorious, goddammm magnificient would be appropos. But to me, a girl living in a busy, smelly city, for whom oceans and miracles are only things you read about….a wondrous god means little. Honestly. I didn’t even get what Faithful meant until I heard a pastor say it means consistency. From my understanding, if you think God doesn’t save and He always fails you….then at least He is consistent and you can count on Him to not come through for you.lol! And I began to like and then fully understand what Christians mean by His faithfulness).

Anyways, so Be Magnified starts with Fred’s prayer: “ Lord we enlarge you in our vision greater than our problems, greater than our fears,greater than our insecurities, greater than the enemy himself.” It took me a while to understand what he was asking for in this prayer and in the song. I get it now and it think its really him just saying to himself “Lord I have this problem. And its huge. Seriously, its huge. But im choosing to focus on You and your promises. And to stare so much at you that I really can’t see anything else.” It’s like running a race.

When you’re running you have to look ahead, at the finish line and let that be the focal point of your race, because you need the direction. If you’re running and looking around you, a few things will distract you. I can just imagine myself running a race(I couldn’t write that without laughing due to my absolute hatred of any form of physical activity coupled with the fact that [apparently], when I run I look like I’m running backwards, according to my friend) and looking around me, the thoughts running through my head will include:“Oh wow, Tina has gained weight, hmm if a member of Team Chunk beats me today I will die of shame!” Or “Oh my lord see how fast O.J is running….wait oh, are those those new shoes that I wanted!?!?!Chei! This girl has started stealing, how did she afford them???!?” etc. Somehow you can see how this may not be good for Racewinning.

So after all of this, I felt better and returned to the McNasties energized, and determined to make like Peter and press on in Racerunning with my eyes fixed on Jesus. Not because I’m a good Christian but because right now, I can’t afford to look at anything else without falling.


Psalm 20:

1 May the LORD answer you when you are in distress;
may the name of the God of Jacob protect you.

2 May he send you help from the sanctuary
and grant you support from Zion.

3 May he remember all your sacrifices
and accept your burnt offerings. [b]

4 May he give you the desire of your heart
and make all your plans succeed.

5 May we shout for joy over your victory
and lift up our banners in the name of our God.
May the LORD grant all your requests.

6 Now this I know:
The LORD gives victory to his anointed.
He answers him from his heavenly sanctuary
with the victorious power of his right hand.

7 Some trust in chariots and some in horses,
but we trust in the name of the LORD our God.

8 They are brought to their knees and fall,
but we rise up and stand firm.

9 LORD, give victory to the king!
Answer us when we call!


My friend Presido:-) sent me this psalm on the last anniversary of my sisters passing with a message that said something like, "Sometimes I dont know what to say but I really want to say something to you"...this psalm always lifts my spirit.