Welcome To Nollywood

I love Nollywood, its Pringles-like quality makes it so addictive. Seriously it’s like a Hallmark movie, you don’t want to watch it but once you pop, you can’t stop. You KNOW no good can come out of this movie you are watching, you KNOW what exactly the end will be from the beginning, with the loudly screeched adverts....yet you lose 3 hours and 37 minutes of your life that you will never ever regain in watching said movie. But you’re happy. Because you have just laughed more times in the 337 than you have in a week. My dad used to complain about Nollywood. He was more than suspicious of its contents; he thought they were solely created to reduce the human I.Q to the barest decimal. Or to test his patience. Possibly:-).

But I soon explained to him that the problem he faced in watching these movies stemmed from a much deeper rooted problem; his refusal to surrender to foolishness. Nollywood can only be enjoyed if the viewer makes a conscious decision to surrender his intelligence at the door, BEFORE pressing play. Anything else is a fatal error, because you will spend parts 2 and 3 of the movie complaining bitterly to avid fans like myself (who will begin to mentally devise numerous ways to make you extinct in a bid to shut you up!).

If for instance, while watching a Nollywood film I am informed [by the dubious plot] that there is a Nigerian pig presently located on the moon,that the piglet in question travelled there with a forged visa, stolen passport and on a slow-moving camel,that said 'Niglet' is currently in communication with Martians to bomb Iraq; I will continue to watch, to learn if he will succeed in his mission.

OR, If I see a well educated, knowledgeable woman going to a witch doctor to procure a potion that will cause a hideously obscene man 13 times her age make her his wife, and the witch doctor requires she provide (and I quote), “….two white duck fowls who have not witnessed a dawn, the eyes of an ant….and one, granmama PINT (pānt).” I laugh until I’m weak, shrug it off and continue to watch, to see from which savanah’d anthill she will pluck out those eyes.

You see, the Ridiculosity Quotient is not much higher than that of the Transformers movie, yet people are so quick to shout Nollywood is “..So fake!"….yeah, because coloured robots the size of the Eiffel running round our city streets terrorizing peace-loving citizens isn't. Right.

So I watch nollywood happily as it takes the funniest and strangest bits about being Nigerian and makes them into sometimes poignant, often times pointless movies. And I love it. It makes me laugh, loud & long. And makes me think (mostly of the randomness of Nigeria). The clip below is from a movie appropriately titled "ONE DOLLAR"*. $1=Full. Blown.Jokes yet, it manages to convey a serious message about materialism, see thats the beauty of Nollywood...What else is entertainment for if not to make us laugh and think? And be distracted from studying the law.*sigh*

The crase starts from around 4.20, I was slayed by all references to “EH-MERRY-KUH!!!”*



*To Maga who steadfastly told me some of the funnier quotes in this video long before I saw it…I apologise for thinking you made them up. I know better now. And I’m even more convinced our friendship must cease.

**BTW, as I am typing this post up, my friend calls me to tell me Michael Jackson just died!...As we speak, my study buddy calls me to say she's bought tickets to the M.J concert in Paris in August....I'm sorry to laugh but, EPIC FAIL!!!!!lol!!